If you only know me from my blog posts, you may be mistaken in assuming I’m reasonably cool. ‘Look at him slate the Kings of Leon for selling out. Oh, he’s looking forward to the new Arctic Monkeys album. He’s even been on a barge holiday.’ Well, I’m going to come clean and get my geek on, because I need to discuss Pokémon.
Compared to many other members of my generation, I wasn’t heavily exploited by the franchise. I didn’t collect the pointless cards or watch the movies. I did possess a water bottle shaped like Squirtle though and I played the games.
It is the monumental decision which you have to make at the start of said games that I am writing about. For those who don’t know, you start the game in your Mum’s house (I don’t think the character has a Dad for some unexplained reason), before coming across three poke balls, containing a fire, a water and a grass Pokémon within them respectively, and you have to choose one to become your first Pokémon. Each Pokémon’s strengths and weaknesses work in a sort of ‘rock-paper-scissor’ system: Fire beats Grass, Water beats Fire and Grass beats Water. Yes, sneer if you will, but it is incredibly important. Make the wrong choice and your journeys may be marred by a nagging feeling in your mind that you’ve made an awful mistake.
It’s awfully similar to voting for a political party. In fact, unnervingly similar. Let me explain...
Choosing green is a wasted opportunity. Granted, it looks nice and could prove useful in the long term, but it is the choice of an idiot. It is such a ridiculous choice that the makers of the game have had to completely create a strength for it. I mean, in what twisted and disgusting world does Grass beat Water? Do we all head for green meadows when flash floods are looming, in the hope that grass will be able to defend us? No, Water floods Grass as it does everything. It’s this pathetic fantasy that proves what a laughable choice Grass is. Grass is eaten by cows, constantly walked upon and provides a soft landing for falling humans. It’s a completely innocuous selection. The only possible harm Grass could inflict is hay-fever, and even the more pedantic readers will argue that grass doesn’t give out pollen.

Blue is certainly more popular and has its merits. Many argue that we need it, for the key policies and moves, and in some respects, they have a genuine point. It’s a solid choice and those who put their faith in it have nothing to be ashamed of. However, it’s just a dull and predictable choice. Who wants to meet some two headed cobra in the woods and when you lob your poke-ball at it, the equivalent of John Major comes out? The further parallels are uncanny, as blue and yellow (electricity) are incompatible in Pokémon. Why couldn’t have Cameron looked to his Game boy Colour for advice for who to go into coalition with?
Red used to the only option for the sensible Pokémon player. It’s radical and just gets the task done. Don’t like something? Then burn it and move on. Sick to death of poverty and squalor? Just burn it down and replace it with Welfare State. Fed up of workers being exploited? Set it alight with a minimum wage. Come gather round the flickering bonfire of free healthcare for everyone. None of this ‘tackle’ or ‘leer’ shit, just direct, smoking action. Unfortunately, it’s changed. In the most recent instalment of the franchise, the fire Pokémon is a depressingly cute pig and has become as boring as the blue choice.

A lot like the face of the new reds, Ed Miliband then, who looks and sounds like the type of person who just couldn’t bring himself to make a decision of whom to select, so just stayed in the character’s home town for hours on end, doing the tutorials over and over again, as he feels ‘safe’. If he wants to get into power at the next election, he should use my theories to his advantage. In the next leadership debates, he could interrupt Cameron mid flow and just shout: ‘Look, you can vote for this oversized tortoise with a pair of super soakers on his back or the unidentifiable grass Pokémon that looks like part of an adventure playground at a National Trust park or, if you’re feeling really lucky, that yellow liberal Pikachu, who looks very nice, but will let you down when you need it most. You do that. But I’m a dragon. A fucking dragon! With fire on my tail!’ Yes, I realise that no-one but the readers of this blog would have the slightest clue of what he was trying to communicate, but why not play the geek card, Ed? It’s all you’ve got going for you.