Saturday 31st July - 19.07am
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has seen the brilliant Peep Show episode where Jeremy takes Mark on his stag night on the Shropshire Union Canal. They end up killing a dog and eating it. It’s tremendous. Well, I used to watch that episode and chuckle at the boredom they were enduring and felt safe that I would never have to go through their misery. However, I am now sitting on a barge, trundling along said canal at the eye watering speed of 6kph. The irony of the situation is making me cry.

As I was writing that paragraph, we crashed into the side.
We have only been on the barge for about 4 hours now, but I was driven to such a frenzy by the sheer narrowness of it that I had to do the washing up to calm me down. Normally I would never get cross with anything slim - for example my iPod, the Laptop and myself - however, this is different. Everywhere on the boat is so narrow that if two people are heading in opposite directions, one of the passers has to lean onto a seat, or temporarily go into the bathroom, to allow the other to get through. I can sense it’s going to get to the stage where we are going to raise our hand in thanks as they do on the roads, and continue our journey along the boat. I suppose I’m going to have to get used to it.

Initially I wanted it to be really awful, so I could complain a lot. However, when we got there, I found I could stand up in the barge without hitting my head, and that the other people at the port were just like us, rather than the sex offenders and reluctantly married old couples who I had expected. The only annoying thing was the fact that I had forgotten my capo for my guitar. It was, however, pointed out that this was my fault, so I duly kept my complaints to myself.

It was definitely a mistake to take our disabled dog with us, as she despises moving objects, ducks and the middle class, and lets out a pained yelp as we pass any of them. She has not been allowed off the lead yet, and it doesn’t look likely that she ever will. I’m sure she would have had a better time at the kennels. Oh well, I’m sure she’ll eventually wear herself out. Or damage her other hip.

I shouldn’t be ultra critical though. It was very pleasant sitting on the end, in the brief period of sunlight, playing my guitar, albeit in the wrong key. Also, running along the top never gets boring. I’m sure the pub meal we will have, if we ever reach a pub, will be pleasant. I do seem to be whining a lot, though. ‘You’ve got to be taking the piss!’ is a common one: when the boat jolted and I pissed on my sock; when I realised that the plugs seemed to be from 20th century Czechoslovakia; and when it was revealed that there was to be no internet connection and only four TV channels (five if you count Channel 5).

Overall, it has been a very pleasant birthday though. Mum made a delightful chocolate cake and I received a camera. It certainly hasn’t been my worst birthday. From what I can remember, that was about 5 or 6 years ago, when Mum lied to me and said that I had come to age where I was too old to celebrate my birthday. I should’ve realised she was fibbing, we always commemorate hers. We went on a walk that day and got lost. It rained and I didn’t have a coat. She did apologise though, which means that she’s no longer on my list of people I would shoot should I ever go completely barmy - which I can’t rule out if the following six days are terrible.

Wednesday 4th August - 16.36
The long delay between entries is due to the fact that the electricity supplier of the boat is of poor quality, and not the fact that I’ve just forgotten. Currently, we’ve run out of water and don’t look set to get any until 6pm, which means no drinks or toilets. I can cope with that, though. It hasn’t rained or been cold, and I haven’t felt any sort of sea sickness. I’ve also nearly completed Professor Layton on my DS, which is time well spent. Other things I have undertaken to pass my stretch on HMS Holiday are reading 1984 and listening to the Arcade Fire album which I managed to find. I'm still trying to decide if it's as good as ‘Neon Bible’.

I am starting to get a little jaded, as I suspect everyone is. As I speak, two of my sisters are sat at the table, having a conversation about whose ‘daughter’ is the worst. One of them is currently in court for stabbing someone and I find myself quite gripped, which shows the standard for entertainment on the boat. And surprising as it sounds, there are few amenities on the banks of the Shropshire Union Canal, so we have spent the majority of the duration on the tiny floor of the boat. The television gets very little signal, so we are forced to *gulp* bond.

Anyway, it hasn’t been the nightmare that I dreaded it was going to be. Hopefully the electricity charger will allow me the chance to put in another entry, but if not, I leave you with one of my scenarios which I've been imagining. What if one wanted to commit suicide on the barge, with dignity? You couldn’t stick your head in the oven - it's too small. You couldn’t hang yourself, as the roof is too low. I doubt you could drown yourself. I very much doubt that I’ll find out.

Thursday 5th August - 14.57
This joke isn’t funny any more. This is no longer a holiday, but an endurance test. We moored near a sewage treatment works last night, so the barge is teeming with flies, which can’t be killed with spray due to our extremely cramped and ill ventilated living conditions. HMS Hellhole has an unpleasant smell, which no one can quite put their finger on, but are willing to accept as it’s part of the ‘barge experience’. And surprising as it may sound, the prospect of home seems welcoming; away from stewed tea, narrow beds, cramped showers, zingzillas and those tiny black winged bastards. One of them, hopefully an enthusiastic, young fly, had the audacity to land on my hand as I was typing. Never has killing a defenceless animal felt so therapeutic.

Well, that was all I could manage. Three entries is enough, surely? Anyway, as I’m running my delicate fingers over the keyboard to type you this, I have my land legs back, and with that, my internet connection. I have a feeling that that will be my last experience on a barge as my Mother had a breakdown on the last day, which involved her yelling profanities off the top of the boat. Nevertheless, it was a valuable experience. It was even enjoyable in places, despite the impression my third entry gives you. In hindsight though, a week was probably too long.